you and I walk a fragile line...

I found this post in my email - I'd meant to upload it, but I never did. So today (April 10, 2011) I am post dating this so it goes in sequence with where I was when I wrote it.
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Well, it’s been a pretty long time since I wrote in this. I feel like I have nothing to say, even though tons of stuff has happened. Went to AZ, then to FL, then to CA. Just got back to SLC after about 6 weeks of being gone. It’s good to be home. There, I said it… HOME. Hahaha. It’s weird, SLC is where I wanted to go back to after all my traveling. Even though I technically still consider AZ home, SLC is where all my crap is, lol. And also where my life is, really. I have friends and family in AZ & FL, but right now, my life is in UT.

School starts this Monday. I can’t believe I’ll be going into my second year of graduate school. I can’t believe the first year is over. It felt like it dragged on forever, but clearly, that’s impossible, as we have an entire new cohort of ALL girls coming into the program this year. That’ll be interesting.

Anyway, I’ve been realizing a lot about myself lately. I’m not as nice of a person as I used to be/hoped I was. I am too hard on people, don’t forgive easily, carry hurts instead of letting them go, I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt, and I gossip quite a bit. Why do people want to be my friend when I’m this imperfect of a person? I can’t forgive certain people for things they’ve done to me – things I thought I’d already let go of. Turns out, I just buried them deep inside me, and the resentment has been resurfacing recently. I’ve also strayed from God lately. I feel so isolated and so alone. I’m not sure if this is because I was on the move for so long, but I feel like I’m drifting, like I have no anchor weighing me down and keeping me sane.

I’m also extraordinarily tired. I got no sleep on my trip to San Diego, and these last couple of nights at home have been so hot and uncomfortable, I toss and turn most of the night, and wake up tired.

Also – I don’t feel wanted here in SLC, even though I wanted to come back. I feel like people “missed” me, but not really. Like, now that I’m back, that’s good enough. Spending time together isn’t a priority. IDK. I’m tired, and not sure if I’m thinking clearly. But here are some things I need to say:

1 – You’re an ass, even though everyone thinks you’re so fantastic. You’re going to break her heart, and you don’t even care. 2 – Have more confidence in yourself, she wants to be with you. 3 – We should get drunk together more often, you actually open up and show your vulnerability – this is a good trait. 4 – I don’t believe you. Wish I could, but I don’t. Also, I lied. I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me about it. I’m going to pretend it’s not happening. 5 – When I shared that quote the other day, I was also talking to you. Take a hint. 6 – I’m sorry I made you cry, I wish we never would have gotten into a fight. 7 – You are playing both sides and not doing it well, tread lightly, you’re pissing people off. 8 – I can’t wait until people in the department realize what a crazy bia you are.

Ok, I think that’s it for my venting session. Hopefully I’ll have more insightful things to say at some point this week or next.

Hearts.
-Dania-

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"you and I walk a fragile line, I have known it all this time, but I never thought I'd live to see it break.... can't turn back now, I'm haunted."