... give me a word you can keep.
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Well... the Suns lost. Let's be honest, I'm not THAT into them, I just got into them these last 2 games, but I really was counting on them winning, or at least, on them actually PUTTING UP A FIGHT and oh, idk... SHOWING UP TO THE GAME? but... they didn't, and the Lakers won the western conference at game 6... in Phoenix. UGH. I can't even imagine how upset my friends are right now, lol. But, I did have a lot of fun at Iggy's with my friends, and I appreciated how people showed up even though they weren't into the Suns. And, I was pretty proud of myself for being such a loud fan 'cause most of the people there were rooting for the Lakers. BOO.
Ok... so... Just re-read my last post, and realized how depressing that was. lol. I was really depressed and upset when I wrote that. Now, I've been back in Utah for almost 2 weeks, and I can't say that I'm completely different, I still have moments and wonder if I should really be here, but I have decided to be positive and try and enjoy my time here. I don't want to look back on these years and realize that I spent them all complaining instead of attempting to enjoy what God has placed in my path.
However, I need to vent about a couple of things:
I still worry about friends here. I'm getting closer to the people in my cohort, which I like, but I'm realizing that I have limited friendships outside of that. And I don't like that at all. I don't want to rely on my one friend outside of my cohort for everything. In fact, I want to take this summer to meet people and develop friendships of my own, outside of my program, and outside of my living situation. I think that as both of these situations continue to change and evolve, having friends that have nothing to do with either is in my best interest.
What else? I still feel hurt, I will say that. I've decided that maybe my definition of true friendship doesn't always match others' and that I will be left feeling disappointed and let-down more often than not. But what do I do about it? I guess I need to determine if the friendship is worth fighting for. Right now I feel pretty numb about it. I feel like I'm going through the motions instead of actually being present. I can't say I've tried to keep up with what's going on, I don't really want to keep tabs on you anymore. I'd rather pretend that nothing is going on, even though I know in my heart of hearts that it still is. I keep asking myself, when are you going to get over it? And the truth is, I don't know. I wish there was nothing to get over in the first place. But since there is, I try to reason in my mind, and I try to pray about it, but let's be honest, I'm not sure I have enough energy to care about trying.
So, I've established that even if I lived in PHX, there would still be problems. I know this. My family is there, and sometimes my parents drive me absolutely nuts. I have amazing friends there, but all friendships go through ups and downs, all friends fight. However, when I was in PHX, I really needed to talk through everything that had happened in the days before I left Utah. Talking to both of my chenchers about it, really made me realize how f-ed up it all was. I know that I am a dramatic person, and I usually talk things out with a friend or with my mom before really deciding to be upset about something, because I know that I usually blow things out of proportion. However, talking to L & L about it, and realizing that: No, I hadn't blown it out of proportion, it really was a crappy situation, really pissed me off. In fact, even thinking about it now, pisses me off. Because, here's the thing: I'm not sure I believe the excuses anymore. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm the most gullible person ever and can be convinced into believing things that clearly can't be true. Clearly, whether unconscious or not, you have a desire to hurt me. And what's worse, sometimes, I really have a desire to hurt you. I'm scared that one of these days I'll act on it.
I know that in many ways, I'm not being fair to you. I know I need to change my thinking. I know I need to give you the benefit of the doubt. I know I need to believe in you. I know and I see that you're trying. I need to try harder.
Let's see... I'm trying to be suuuuuuuper nice to that person in my cohort I always talk about having a difficult time with. It's been an up-hill battle for me with him. I feel like I'm really sensitive to the things he says in jest, and I take them seriously. In return, he gets upset and ignores me, and it turns into this mini-fight; then the process repeats itself. BUT, I will say that I am trying really really freaking hard not to get upset. And so far, so good. I just want to go back to a normal friendship and not stress about any of the underlying tones anymore. Who cares, really? He's not a good friend to me, and I'd rather just establish a superficial friendship that gets us by.
I'm done venting. On a more positive note, for the first time since I've been here, I have more days of appreciating Utah than days of not. I have moments of perfect clarity, when I think: God, even though I don't fully understand why I'm here, I know that there's a reason, and in this moment, I'm ok with that. Lately, Utah has been showing me how beautiful and serene it can be. You can't beat the scenery here. Even in Flagstaff, what I think is one of the most beautiful parts of AZ, it can't compare to the mountains in SLC. God's hand in creation is truly evident to me here. And I'm realizing that I'm talking to God more these days, having a daily conversation with him, which is a welcomed change. I missed these conversations. I need to talk to You and I need to learn patience and stillness so that I can hear Your answers.
Also, I love the new apartment. Coming home makes me happy, where before at Newman it stressed me out. I love going in my room, shutting my door, and watching a movie as I'm falling asleep. I love that I have my own space. Thank God for small miracles.
As always, I ask for prayer. I need to snap out of this numbness and care more about certain situations. I need to learn humility. I need to learn forgiveness. I need to move on and let you live your life in whatever way you think is right. It's not up to me. I need to let go. I need to realize I'm not in control. I need grace. Pray for these things for me, please. I'm human, I'm not perfect, and I'm trying.
Lastly, I will leave a quote that my favorite priest, Father Pat (from Flagstaff) said almost 4 years ago, in one of the first masses I attended at NAU: Mercy is love when it is most needed and least deserved. Not only do I need to have mercy on people, BUT, and this is a big but, I need mercy myself, from God and from other people.
Heart.
-Dania-
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'cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on my way, and I'm feelin' feelin' feelin' this way...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
the grass is always greener...
I'm in Arizona again, I've been here for about a week, and I really don't want to go back to Utah at all.
It's strange, for the longest time I wanted to get out of AZ, I was desperate for the next adventure, for the next chapter in my life, and that's what I saw UT as; UT was supposed to be my biggest adventure so far. But, it's just been my biggest disappointment. I don't know if I've really even given it a chance, or if I've just been going through the motions, either way, I can't see my way out of the situation I'm in. UGH... I just wish my life weren't so confusing. I wish there were easy, clear answers to all of the questions running through my mind. I wish there were people I could count on and rely on for support; that would make the experience so much easier. But instead, I feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, like I need to keep my guard up, 'cause if I let it slip, even a little, people use it against me, and end up hurting me. It's exhausting.
I was talking to my friend last night about what I've been going through and she said something that really made me think. Basically, she said that every place you live in has it's own drama, that no place is perfect. And even if life in Arizona might be a little easier, I'd still be dealing with some of the same issues.
She was right. Arizona isn't perfect, and my friends here aren't perfect either.
Relationships in general aren't perfect -- they're messy. No matter what the relationship, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, co-worker, or friend, it's all messy.
Especially friendships. You place your trust in people giving them the power to use it against you, all the while hoping they're decent and good enough people not to abuse your trust. Sometimes, you luck out and find those really good people who don't hurt you, and treat you well, and genuinely want to see you succeed and be happy. Sometimes, people burn you and turn out to be crappy friends.
I've seen a lot of both of these kinds of friends in my life. And recently, I've called into question a lot of the friendships that I've been relying on, only to be disappointed by some. What do you do when you lose trust in someone and can't see how you can make your way back to trusting them again? When do you throw in the towel and say enough is enough? How do you decide if a friendship is worth salvaging, if you can put aside your hurt enough to move forward? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, unfortunately. But, I feel like I owe it to myself to find out. If I really want my friendships to succeed -- messy or not -- I've got to put in as much effort as it takes. And if they don't succeed, at least I know that I tried -- I would be able to say that I gave it my all...
I don't know. I really tired of putting in a lot of effort when I don't feel like it's returned. I don't know if I'm really at a place to care anymore. I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel. I want to quit. I'm just so tired, and I'm so upset, and I'm so hurt, and I don't know if I can risk trusting people anymore. For what? To be treated like crap? No thanks.
I just wish things had worked out differently.
I really need to pray about all of these questions. I can't stand alone, I need good people I can surround myself with, I need to truly give this all to God, and take it one day at a time. If Jesus could forgive us all for crucifying him, shouldn't I be able to put my pride aside and forgive someone for hurting me?
Yes... the answer to that question is yes. I'm not perfect and I might not be able to forgive right away, but I will eventually. Building back trust might be more difficult, but again, something that can be done. Pray for me, please. I have a lot of thinking/praying/growing up/forgiving/understanding to do.
Heart.
-Dania-
"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? 'Cause I could really use a wish right now..."
It's strange, for the longest time I wanted to get out of AZ, I was desperate for the next adventure, for the next chapter in my life, and that's what I saw UT as; UT was supposed to be my biggest adventure so far. But, it's just been my biggest disappointment. I don't know if I've really even given it a chance, or if I've just been going through the motions, either way, I can't see my way out of the situation I'm in. UGH... I just wish my life weren't so confusing. I wish there were easy, clear answers to all of the questions running through my mind. I wish there were people I could count on and rely on for support; that would make the experience so much easier. But instead, I feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, like I need to keep my guard up, 'cause if I let it slip, even a little, people use it against me, and end up hurting me. It's exhausting.
I was talking to my friend last night about what I've been going through and she said something that really made me think. Basically, she said that every place you live in has it's own drama, that no place is perfect. And even if life in Arizona might be a little easier, I'd still be dealing with some of the same issues.
She was right. Arizona isn't perfect, and my friends here aren't perfect either.
Relationships in general aren't perfect -- they're messy. No matter what the relationship, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, co-worker, or friend, it's all messy.
Especially friendships. You place your trust in people giving them the power to use it against you, all the while hoping they're decent and good enough people not to abuse your trust. Sometimes, you luck out and find those really good people who don't hurt you, and treat you well, and genuinely want to see you succeed and be happy. Sometimes, people burn you and turn out to be crappy friends.
I've seen a lot of both of these kinds of friends in my life. And recently, I've called into question a lot of the friendships that I've been relying on, only to be disappointed by some. What do you do when you lose trust in someone and can't see how you can make your way back to trusting them again? When do you throw in the towel and say enough is enough? How do you decide if a friendship is worth salvaging, if you can put aside your hurt enough to move forward? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, unfortunately. But, I feel like I owe it to myself to find out. If I really want my friendships to succeed -- messy or not -- I've got to put in as much effort as it takes. And if they don't succeed, at least I know that I tried -- I would be able to say that I gave it my all...
I don't know. I really tired of putting in a lot of effort when I don't feel like it's returned. I don't know if I'm really at a place to care anymore. I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel. I want to quit. I'm just so tired, and I'm so upset, and I'm so hurt, and I don't know if I can risk trusting people anymore. For what? To be treated like crap? No thanks.
I just wish things had worked out differently.
I really need to pray about all of these questions. I can't stand alone, I need good people I can surround myself with, I need to truly give this all to God, and take it one day at a time. If Jesus could forgive us all for crucifying him, shouldn't I be able to put my pride aside and forgive someone for hurting me?
Yes... the answer to that question is yes. I'm not perfect and I might not be able to forgive right away, but I will eventually. Building back trust might be more difficult, but again, something that can be done. Pray for me, please. I have a lot of thinking/praying/growing up/forgiving/understanding to do.
Heart.
-Dania-
"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? 'Cause I could really use a wish right now..."
Saturday, May 1, 2010
feels like home
So far so good with this blog thing... 2 posts in 2 weeks, I feel like that's a step up from 2 posts last year.
Anyway, almost completely moved into the new apartment! We've been sleeping here since last Sunday, and it feels pretty darn good to have our own place! It's so nice to come to a clean, spacious home, and it makes me feel like an adult. I own furniture now! And I get to decorate my room and our apartment as I (&we) see fit. It's such a good feeling!
I'm going home (to AZ) on Thursday, and I am soooo incredibly excited! I have about a million things to do before I step onto that airplane, and I have one last final & paper due on Wednesday night, which if I'm being completely honest, are stressing me out and worrying me like you wouldn't believe, but once that's done, I'll be well into the summer! Wooohooo! Unfortunately I have to take summer classes, but honestly, I feel so little pressure with that, it doesn't even phase me. I just need this semester and my first official year of grad school to be over with!
Speaking of which, it's absolutely nuts for me to think about the fact that I've almost lived in SLC for a year. A year! Wow, how this time has flown by. I'm in such a different place in my life than I was when I came here. God has taken an active roll in changing my heart towards Utah and towards my experience here. I'm afraid I haven't been the most willing participant in that change, and at times have refused to give myself over to His will. I just want to know everything, I want to know how my life is going to turn out, what's going to happen, what the next step will be and, in obsessing over these questions, I've given myself the illusion of control -- it's only an illusion -- and turned by back on the One who is watching out for me. Oh, how God is teaching me humility and patience. Both of which are difficult lessons to learn.
Also, I've been convicted lately, funnily enough, through facebook, to actively live my faith. One of my FB friends posted as her status update a while ago: Sometime's we're the only Christ people see. This statement really hit home with me, and it made me wonder if people see God in me... if people even know that I'm a believer. It made me wonder if I am showing others the kindness, grace, mercy and love that Christ shows me on a daily basis...
One of my favorite quotes is: If you were arrested for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you? Gosh... this statement has been like a dagger to my heart lately. I have been unnecessarily unkind to certain people lately... one person in my program in particular, and this is a horrible reflection on the person I am / the person I know I can be. I need to try harder to reflect the love I feel inside me. I need to be Christ-like to others, even those who hurt me and anger me, for hurt and anger are poor excuses to disregard what God calls us to do: love one another.
Ok... I think that's it for today. I have a lot to work on (both school-wise and personally) and certainly a lot to think about. Goodnight all.
Heart.
-Dania-
Anyway, almost completely moved into the new apartment! We've been sleeping here since last Sunday, and it feels pretty darn good to have our own place! It's so nice to come to a clean, spacious home, and it makes me feel like an adult. I own furniture now! And I get to decorate my room and our apartment as I (&we) see fit. It's such a good feeling!
I'm going home (to AZ) on Thursday, and I am soooo incredibly excited! I have about a million things to do before I step onto that airplane, and I have one last final & paper due on Wednesday night, which if I'm being completely honest, are stressing me out and worrying me like you wouldn't believe, but once that's done, I'll be well into the summer! Wooohooo! Unfortunately I have to take summer classes, but honestly, I feel so little pressure with that, it doesn't even phase me. I just need this semester and my first official year of grad school to be over with!
Speaking of which, it's absolutely nuts for me to think about the fact that I've almost lived in SLC for a year. A year! Wow, how this time has flown by. I'm in such a different place in my life than I was when I came here. God has taken an active roll in changing my heart towards Utah and towards my experience here. I'm afraid I haven't been the most willing participant in that change, and at times have refused to give myself over to His will. I just want to know everything, I want to know how my life is going to turn out, what's going to happen, what the next step will be and, in obsessing over these questions, I've given myself the illusion of control -- it's only an illusion -- and turned by back on the One who is watching out for me. Oh, how God is teaching me humility and patience. Both of which are difficult lessons to learn.
Also, I've been convicted lately, funnily enough, through facebook, to actively live my faith. One of my FB friends posted as her status update a while ago: Sometime's we're the only Christ people see. This statement really hit home with me, and it made me wonder if people see God in me... if people even know that I'm a believer. It made me wonder if I am showing others the kindness, grace, mercy and love that Christ shows me on a daily basis...
One of my favorite quotes is: If you were arrested for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you? Gosh... this statement has been like a dagger to my heart lately. I have been unnecessarily unkind to certain people lately... one person in my program in particular, and this is a horrible reflection on the person I am / the person I know I can be. I need to try harder to reflect the love I feel inside me. I need to be Christ-like to others, even those who hurt me and anger me, for hurt and anger are poor excuses to disregard what God calls us to do: love one another.
Ok... I think that's it for today. I have a lot to work on (both school-wise and personally) and certainly a lot to think about. Goodnight all.
Heart.
-Dania-
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