new deep

It seems that I tend to only journal or blog in my times of greatest upheaval. This instance is no different.

I decided at the start of this year that 2011 was going to be my year of independence, the year that I shed the chains that bind me, figuratively speaking.

This is the year that I will...
- lose the weight I want to and keep it off
- move out on my own (sans roommate *tear*) for the first time in my life
- get accepted (*crosses fingers* hopefully) into the PhD program
- go on a 3 week Europe trip with a friend
- study abroad
- get over he who shall not be named (NOT Voldemort, sillies)
- not stress about: being single, not being engaged and/or married
- live in the moment

Most of the goals I know wholeheartedly will be met; however, today one of the goals was completely removed from the realm of possibility as one of my friends, I feel, callously cancelled the entire Europe trip - a trip that we've been planning for 4 months - in the middle of a bead store (where I will mention we were about to take part in a 1-hour beading tutorial), with a casual sentence, and no explanation or apology. I was devastated. I went home and cried. I cannot go on the Europe tour that we planned without her, not only for safety reasons, but for financial reasons as well. Honestly, that's not even the part that most upset me, it was how she handled the situation.

As I sit here, and attempt to think of ways I would have handled the situation, the word that comes to mind is with sensitivity. I feel like the way the situation was handled was flippant and selfish and abruptly. I dare say that I would have reacted quite differently had she told me in a more private, personal way, with a clear and concise explanation and, yes, I'll say it - AN APOLOGY. I know I would have reacted differently. Instead, I'm so upset and disappointed, and feel like this was a portrayal of her caliber as a friend - meaning that maybe she was never my friend to begin with.

BAH. I don't know. I sent her a letter detailing my feelings. I thought it was pretty mature, as what I really wanted to do was curse her out.

I guess, truly, that my year of independence needed to have some trials and tribulations to help me grow into the woman I would like to become.

On to bigger and better things, right?

Heart.
Dania

-------------------------------------------

"Numb is the new deep, done with the old me, and talk is the same cheap it's been..."