pick me. choose me. love me.

So, here's the thing...

I never got over you.
You're the person my mind defaults to when I'm alone.
You're the person I dream of kissing - literally, I have dreams about this.
You're the one unanswered question.

And I have about 8 million reasons I shouldn't like you.
My friends don't like you.
My mother thinks you're an idiot.
They're probably right.

But, what if?


Just needed to say that.

you and I walk a fragile line...

I found this post in my email - I'd meant to upload it, but I never did. So today (April 10, 2011) I am post dating this so it goes in sequence with where I was when I wrote it.
---------------------

Well, it’s been a pretty long time since I wrote in this. I feel like I have nothing to say, even though tons of stuff has happened. Went to AZ, then to FL, then to CA. Just got back to SLC after about 6 weeks of being gone. It’s good to be home. There, I said it… HOME. Hahaha. It’s weird, SLC is where I wanted to go back to after all my traveling. Even though I technically still consider AZ home, SLC is where all my crap is, lol. And also where my life is, really. I have friends and family in AZ & FL, but right now, my life is in UT.

School starts this Monday. I can’t believe I’ll be going into my second year of graduate school. I can’t believe the first year is over. It felt like it dragged on forever, but clearly, that’s impossible, as we have an entire new cohort of ALL girls coming into the program this year. That’ll be interesting.

Anyway, I’ve been realizing a lot about myself lately. I’m not as nice of a person as I used to be/hoped I was. I am too hard on people, don’t forgive easily, carry hurts instead of letting them go, I don’t give people the benefit of the doubt, and I gossip quite a bit. Why do people want to be my friend when I’m this imperfect of a person? I can’t forgive certain people for things they’ve done to me – things I thought I’d already let go of. Turns out, I just buried them deep inside me, and the resentment has been resurfacing recently. I’ve also strayed from God lately. I feel so isolated and so alone. I’m not sure if this is because I was on the move for so long, but I feel like I’m drifting, like I have no anchor weighing me down and keeping me sane.

I’m also extraordinarily tired. I got no sleep on my trip to San Diego, and these last couple of nights at home have been so hot and uncomfortable, I toss and turn most of the night, and wake up tired.

Also – I don’t feel wanted here in SLC, even though I wanted to come back. I feel like people “missed” me, but not really. Like, now that I’m back, that’s good enough. Spending time together isn’t a priority. IDK. I’m tired, and not sure if I’m thinking clearly. But here are some things I need to say:

1 – You’re an ass, even though everyone thinks you’re so fantastic. You’re going to break her heart, and you don’t even care. 2 – Have more confidence in yourself, she wants to be with you. 3 – We should get drunk together more often, you actually open up and show your vulnerability – this is a good trait. 4 – I don’t believe you. Wish I could, but I don’t. Also, I lied. I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me about it. I’m going to pretend it’s not happening. 5 – When I shared that quote the other day, I was also talking to you. Take a hint. 6 – I’m sorry I made you cry, I wish we never would have gotten into a fight. 7 – You are playing both sides and not doing it well, tread lightly, you’re pissing people off. 8 – I can’t wait until people in the department realize what a crazy bia you are.

Ok, I think that’s it for my venting session. Hopefully I’ll have more insightful things to say at some point this week or next.

Hearts.
-Dania-

-----------------------

"you and I walk a fragile line, I have known it all this time, but I never thought I'd live to see it break.... can't turn back now, I'm haunted."

you and I collide...

Ok, so just realized I haven't updated this thing in a couple of weeks, I guess I haven't had much to say. It's weird, my life has been falling into place perfectly lately. I probably shouldn't say that it's weird... I should probably just be thankful for it. And I am -- it is a really, really good thing, and I feel so blessed to be so happy and fulfilled at this point in my life. This last month has been a turning point in my life. I've experienced ups and downs, but have come out on the other side of it all stronger, happier, and in a better place. Thank You, Lord.

I was talking to my friend E a couple of weeks ago about what it means to have faith. I feel like, as Catholics (or Christians) we tend to put holiness and faith in a box: this is what it looks like, this is what it means to be holy, this is what it means to truly believe in God. But, who are we to judge? E has had a difficult time finding her own faith and belief in God. This is a struggle she's faced practically her whole life, and recently, she's come to find God on her own terms. She says she feels closer to God, and has actually started praying, for the first time in years. Praise You Lord! She asked me what I thought about it since I am traditionally Catholic and find my own strength and renewal of faith in the traditional aspects of the religion. This is what I told her: I think God appreciates you finding Him on your own terms, and seeking Him in your own way, rather than avoiding Him your entire life. God just wants you to know Him, and choose Him.

If you'd asked me about this last year, I would have said that there's only one way to follow God, one way to approach Him -- but there isn't. Everyone's journey in faith is different, even within one religion -- everyone's relationship with God is different. Who am I to put your faith, your journey, your intimate and personal relationship with God in a box? Matthew 7:3 says, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" How true this statement is. We are so quick to judge others, but God is ultimately the only One who can judge us all. I don't want to spend my life casting judgements on others and miss the opportunity to work on and better myself. And, I don't want to miss out on the opportunity to show others God's mercy and grace because I'm too rigid in how I think faith is expressed, to understand that it's different for everyone. Do I believe that Catholicism is the ultimate truth -- yes. I believe what the church believes and what the church stands for -- but God knows our hearts better than we do, and He knows who is truly seeking Him and who isn't.

Switching gears a little bit...

In Wedding Crashers, one of my favorite movies, btw, John says "True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another." I really believe this. I am a true believer in "the one" and I pray for my future husband (FH) every night. I know that God has made someone just for me, and that we are currently seeking eachother. I can't wait for the moment when we collide, when our lives intersect and we can become one. Is this lame? Sappy? Hopeless-Romantic-y? Sure. Well, actually... DUH. I am a hopeless romantic, that's for dang sure, but I still believe this with my whole heart. I have begun to believe that God connects our souls with our future spouse, and that every experience we have parellels that of our husband/wife so that when we meet, the culmination of our experiences has created a person that's perfect for the other. Oh man, I can't wait until the day comes when I know my FH. It's gonna be good. And, all the sacrifice, every tear that's been shed, and every broken heart will be all worth it.


This was a pretty serious post. Hmm... I guess I'm really contemplative tonight, haha. But, life is good! Praise God!

Heart.
-Dania-

in the name of love

Lots and lots has been going on lately. I feel a freedom that I haven't felt in a while.

L (aka chench) has helped me to see some things clearly in my life. She told me the other day that I am one of the only people she knows who constantly wants to do the right thing; that in almost every situation, I'm the one trying to think of what the right thing to do is -- the Godly, Christ-like thing -- and that almost every time I do it. That's quite a reputation to live up to, especially since I feel like I fail in that department constantly. The "right thing" isn't always the easy thing, and doesn't always satisfy your pride. In fact, doing the right thing generally means putting aside your pride for the greater good. And that can be one of the hardest things that human beings are called to do.
In reference to the situation described in my last two entries, I finally came to a conclusion earlier this week. The right thing, is to forgive. The right thing, is to choose a friendship no matter how much easier it'd be to walk away. The right thing is to stick to your word. If you say you're going to try -- then try. Don't half-ass it. Don't lie about it. Just do it. Easier than it sounds, I know. But if the right thing was always easy, we'd have world peace, and people would be skipping through the streets holding hands and singing songs. haha. The vision of that is pretty funny, actually. But, not the point.
I don't want to walk away from something and from someone because that person made one mistake. How selfish would I be to do that? I claim to try and live my life as God has called me to do, but if I don't actually emulate the characteristics and strengths that Christ embodied, how can I truly give myself over to Him? Every Time I Breathe by Big Daddy Weave says, "... by Your grace I want to love You not with what I say, but every day in the way that my life is lived..." I don't want to be a follower of Christ in words alone. I want to be follower through actions, for actions do indeed speak louder than words.

I've been having a lot of discussions with my friend L lately, some deep, meaningful conversations about where we see our lives going, and what, in the end, are the most important things to us. It's weird, we've both been feeling this intense pressure to get married. It's like, we graduated from college, and all of a sudden everyone and their mother is engaged, getting married, and having kids. What the heck happened? Weren't we supposed to be the generation that waited a little longer to tie the knot? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only single person here in UT, and I certainly feel that I'm behind in the relationship department. I feel anxious to find "the one" and sometimes feel like a failure for being single.
It's weird. I am a pretty successful woman, I have a Bachelor's degree, I'm currently pursuing a Master's degree, with the intention of eventually getting a Ph.D. I am kind, smart, a good daughter, sister and friend, and I seek the Lord in my life, and yet, when it comes down to it, I measure my success by my relationship status. Why is that? Why is education valued more in relation to men rather than women? Is it all in my head, or is a woman's worth ultimately determined by her relationship status? I'm not sure if this is just L's & my perspective, or if there's actually any value to it, but it feels like education is valued (in women) to a certain point, but that if a woman focuses so much on her education that she ends up alone, she focused on the wrong thing. Is this true?

I know that everything comes in its own time, and that I am still really young, and have plenty of time to get married and have kids, but it doesn't feel that way. I turn 23 this year, and 23 has come in the blink of an eye. It feels like yesterday that I was 17 and starting college at NAU, and yet here I am, completely finished with my first year of grad school, and I feel like I'm running out of time. If 23 came fast, I can only imagine how quickly 30 is going to get here, and that scares me. Time is going by so quickly, I feel like I barely have time to process the things that are happening to me.

Ugh. L and I were also discussing our future husbands the other day, and about what it means to "settle" and to "reach." Our friend I said that men never settle, they always reach, because they're not willing to settle for anything less than their ideal. I also said that women are more prone to settling because we are more forgiving and more willing to overlook faults. Is this true? Do all women settle? I don't want to settle, and neither does L. Nobody does. But are the acts of "settling" and "reaching" really things that we choose, or are they ingrained in us -- like a reflex or an instinct?

There are certain things I will never settle on: 1. I need my FH(future husband) to love God first and foremost, above all else. And I need my FH to actively seek the Lord, and to have a relationship with Him. 2. I need my FH to value education, and to have the understanding that making sacrifices at such a young age set the stage for the rest of our lives. 3. I need my FH to want a family, and for him to have the desire to provide for our family.
Are these things too much to ask for? No. But couple them with the rest of my checklist: Cuban, Catholic, conservative, funny, kind, light-hearted, down to earth, tall, etc. And maybe it is too much to ask for. Maybe this person doesn't exist. When do the things on the checklist become things we're willing to overlook in the name of love?

Anyway, I have a ton more to write about, but I'll save it for another day. I need to do homework now, but if you're reading this, I'd love to know your thoughts on all the questions running through my mind. God bless.

Heart.
-D-

talk, talk is cheap...

... give me a word you can keep.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Well... the Suns lost. Let's be honest, I'm not THAT into them, I just got into them these last 2 games, but I really was counting on them winning, or at least, on them actually PUTTING UP A FIGHT and oh, idk... SHOWING UP TO THE GAME? but... they didn't, and the Lakers won the western conference at game 6... in Phoenix. UGH. I can't even imagine how upset my friends are right now, lol. But, I did have a lot of fun at Iggy's with my friends, and I appreciated how people showed up even though they weren't into the Suns. And, I was pretty proud of myself for being such a loud fan 'cause most of the people there were rooting for the Lakers. BOO.

Ok... so... Just re-read my last post, and realized how depressing that was. lol. I was really depressed and upset when I wrote that. Now, I've been back in Utah for almost 2 weeks, and I can't say that I'm completely different, I still have moments and wonder if I should really be here, but I have decided to be positive and try and enjoy my time here. I don't want to look back on these years and realize that I spent them all complaining instead of attempting to enjoy what God has placed in my path.

However, I need to vent about a couple of things:

I still worry about friends here. I'm getting closer to the people in my cohort, which I like, but I'm realizing that I have limited friendships outside of that. And I don't like that at all. I don't want to rely on my one friend outside of my cohort for everything. In fact, I want to take this summer to meet people and develop friendships of my own, outside of my program, and outside of my living situation. I think that as both of these situations continue to change and evolve, having friends that have nothing to do with either is in my best interest.

What else? I still feel hurt, I will say that. I've decided that maybe my definition of true friendship doesn't always match others' and that I will be left feeling disappointed and let-down more often than not. But what do I do about it? I guess I need to determine if the friendship is worth fighting for. Right now I feel pretty numb about it. I feel like I'm going through the motions instead of actually being present. I can't say I've tried to keep up with what's going on, I don't really want to keep tabs on you anymore. I'd rather pretend that nothing is going on, even though I know in my heart of hearts that it still is. I keep asking myself, when are you going to get over it? And the truth is, I don't know. I wish there was nothing to get over in the first place. But since there is, I try to reason in my mind, and I try to pray about it, but let's be honest, I'm not sure I have enough energy to care about trying.

So, I've established that even if I lived in PHX, there would still be problems. I know this. My family is there, and sometimes my parents drive me absolutely nuts. I have amazing friends there, but all friendships go through ups and downs, all friends fight. However, when I was in PHX, I really needed to talk through everything that had happened in the days before I left Utah. Talking to both of my chenchers about it, really made me realize how f-ed up it all was. I know that I am a dramatic person, and I usually talk things out with a friend or with my mom before really deciding to be upset about something, because I know that I usually blow things out of proportion. However, talking to L & L about it, and realizing that: No, I hadn't blown it out of proportion, it really was a crappy situation, really pissed me off. In fact, even thinking about it now, pisses me off. Because, here's the thing: I'm not sure I believe the excuses anymore. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm the most gullible person ever and can be convinced into believing things that clearly can't be true. Clearly, whether unconscious or not, you have a desire to hurt me. And what's worse, sometimes, I really have a desire to hurt you. I'm scared that one of these days I'll act on it.

I know that in many ways, I'm not being fair to you. I know I need to change my thinking. I know I need to give you the benefit of the doubt. I know I need to believe in you. I know and I see that you're trying. I need to try harder.

Let's see... I'm trying to be suuuuuuuper nice to that person in my cohort I always talk about having a difficult time with. It's been an up-hill battle for me with him. I feel like I'm really sensitive to the things he says in jest, and I take them seriously. In return, he gets upset and ignores me, and it turns into this mini-fight; then the process repeats itself. BUT, I will say that I am trying really really freaking hard not to get upset. And so far, so good. I just want to go back to a normal friendship and not stress about any of the underlying tones anymore. Who cares, really? He's not a good friend to me, and I'd rather just establish a superficial friendship that gets us by.

I'm done venting. On a more positive note, for the first time since I've been here, I have more days of appreciating Utah than days of not. I have moments of perfect clarity, when I think: God, even though I don't fully understand why I'm here, I know that there's a reason, and in this moment, I'm ok with that. Lately, Utah has been showing me how beautiful and serene it can be. You can't beat the scenery here. Even in Flagstaff, what I think is one of the most beautiful parts of AZ, it can't compare to the mountains in SLC. God's hand in creation is truly evident to me here. And I'm realizing that I'm talking to God more these days, having a daily conversation with him, which is a welcomed change. I missed these conversations. I need to talk to You and I need to learn patience and stillness so that I can hear Your answers.

Also, I love the new apartment. Coming home makes me happy, where before at Newman it stressed me out. I love going in my room, shutting my door, and watching a movie as I'm falling asleep. I love that I have my own space. Thank God for small miracles.

As always, I ask for prayer. I need to snap out of this numbness and care more about certain situations. I need to learn humility. I need to learn forgiveness. I need to move on and let you live your life in whatever way you think is right. It's not up to me. I need to let go. I need to realize I'm not in control. I need grace. Pray for these things for me, please. I'm human, I'm not perfect, and I'm trying.

Lastly, I will leave a quote that my favorite priest, Father Pat (from Flagstaff) said almost 4 years ago, in one of the first masses I attended at NAU: Mercy is love when it is most needed and least deserved. Not only do I need to have mercy on people, BUT, and this is a big but, I need mercy myself, from God and from other people.

Heart.
-Dania-

-----------------------------------------------------------

'cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on my way, and I'm feelin' feelin' feelin' this way...

the grass is always greener...

I'm in Arizona again, I've been here for about a week, and I really don't want to go back to Utah at all.

It's strange, for the longest time I wanted to get out of AZ, I was desperate for the next adventure, for the next chapter in my life, and that's what I saw UT as; UT was supposed to be my biggest adventure so far. But, it's just been my biggest disappointment. I don't know if I've really even given it a chance, or if I've just been going through the motions, either way, I can't see my way out of the situation I'm in. UGH... I just wish my life weren't so confusing. I wish there were easy, clear answers to all of the questions running through my mind. I wish there were people I could count on and rely on for support; that would make the experience so much easier. But instead, I feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, like I need to keep my guard up, 'cause if I let it slip, even a little, people use it against me, and end up hurting me. It's exhausting.

I was talking to my friend last night about what I've been going through and she said something that really made me think. Basically, she said that every place you live in has it's own drama, that no place is perfect. And even if life in Arizona might be a little easier, I'd still be dealing with some of the same issues.

She was right. Arizona isn't perfect, and my friends here aren't perfect either.
Relationships in general aren't perfect -- they're messy. No matter what the relationship, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, co-worker, or friend, it's all messy.
Especially friendships. You place your trust in people giving them the power to use it against you, all the while hoping they're decent and good enough people not to abuse your trust. Sometimes, you luck out and find those really good people who don't hurt you, and treat you well, and genuinely want to see you succeed and be happy. Sometimes, people burn you and turn out to be crappy friends.

I've seen a lot of both of these kinds of friends in my life. And recently, I've called into question a lot of the friendships that I've been relying on, only to be disappointed by some. What do you do when you lose trust in someone and can't see how you can make your way back to trusting them again? When do you throw in the towel and say enough is enough? How do you decide if a friendship is worth salvaging, if you can put aside your hurt enough to move forward? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, unfortunately. But, I feel like I owe it to myself to find out. If I really want my friendships to succeed -- messy or not -- I've got to put in as much effort as it takes. And if they don't succeed, at least I know that I tried -- I would be able to say that I gave it my all...

I don't know. I really tired of putting in a lot of effort when I don't feel like it's returned. I don't know if I'm really at a place to care anymore. I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel. I want to quit. I'm just so tired, and I'm so upset, and I'm so hurt, and I don't know if I can risk trusting people anymore. For what? To be treated like crap? No thanks.

I just wish things had worked out differently.

I really need to pray about all of these questions. I can't stand alone, I need good people I can surround myself with, I need to truly give this all to God, and take it one day at a time. If Jesus could forgive us all for crucifying him, shouldn't I be able to put my pride aside and forgive someone for hurting me?

Yes... the answer to that question is yes. I'm not perfect and I might not be able to forgive right away, but I will eventually. Building back trust might be more difficult, but again, something that can be done. Pray for me, please. I have a lot of thinking/praying/growing up/forgiving/understanding to do.

Heart.
-Dania-

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? 'Cause I could really use a wish right now..."

feels like home

So far so good with this blog thing... 2 posts in 2 weeks, I feel like that's a step up from 2 posts last year.

Anyway, almost completely moved into the new apartment! We've been sleeping here since last Sunday, and it feels pretty darn good to have our own place! It's so nice to come to a clean, spacious home, and it makes me feel like an adult. I own furniture now! And I get to decorate my room and our apartment as I (&we) see fit. It's such a good feeling!

I'm going home (to AZ) on Thursday, and I am soooo incredibly excited! I have about a million things to do before I step onto that airplane, and I have one last final & paper due on Wednesday night, which if I'm being completely honest, are stressing me out and worrying me like you wouldn't believe, but once that's done, I'll be well into the summer! Wooohooo! Unfortunately I have to take summer classes, but honestly, I feel so little pressure with that, it doesn't even phase me. I just need this semester and my first official year of grad school to be over with!

Speaking of which, it's absolutely nuts for me to think about the fact that I've almost lived in SLC for a year. A year! Wow, how this time has flown by. I'm in such a different place in my life than I was when I came here. God has taken an active roll in changing my heart towards Utah and towards my experience here. I'm afraid I haven't been the most willing participant in that change, and at times have refused to give myself over to His will. I just want to know everything, I want to know how my life is going to turn out, what's going to happen, what the next step will be and, in obsessing over these questions, I've given myself the illusion of control -- it's only an illusion -- and turned by back on the One who is watching out for me. Oh, how God is teaching me humility and patience. Both of which are difficult lessons to learn.

Also, I've been convicted lately, funnily enough, through facebook, to actively live my faith. One of my FB friends posted as her status update a while ago: Sometime's we're the only Christ people see. This statement really hit home with me, and it made me wonder if people see God in me... if people even know that I'm a believer. It made me wonder if I am showing others the kindness, grace, mercy and love that Christ shows me on a daily basis...

One of my favorite quotes is: If you were arrested for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you? Gosh... this statement has been like a dagger to my heart lately. I have been unnecessarily unkind to certain people lately... one person in my program in particular, and this is a horrible reflection on the person I am / the person I know I can be. I need to try harder to reflect the love I feel inside me. I need to be Christ-like to others, even those who hurt me and anger me, for hurt and anger are poor excuses to disregard what God calls us to do: love one another.

Ok... I think that's it for today. I have a lot to work on (both school-wise and personally) and certainly a lot to think about. Goodnight all.

Heart.
-Dania-

better late than never?

So, I promised I would write in this thing to update people on my adventures in Utah, and yet I haven't managed to keep up my end of that bargain...

Utah has been interesting, and it's crazy to me to think that I've been here for almost a year. It's been a difficult journey, and I have struggled with the reasons that God brought me here every step of the way. I still struggle with trying to figure it all out, with trying to make the pieces fall into place in my mind. I still ask myself why I'm here, and what I could possibly get out of this experience other than a Master's degree -- which, I'm not quite sure is enough of a reason to stay here, but right now it's the only thing keeping me here.

I forget sometimes the good things I do have here though, good friends, a pretty good cohort, a supportive and caring faculty. I'm blessed -- even when I have difficulty seeing it.

I'm moving out of the Newman Center this week, thankfully. That's probably been the hardest thing about my move to Utah -- the slow disillusionment of my faith. Living in a church and seeing the politics that go into running a church, and all the things that go on behind the scenes, things that are not Christ-like, and don't really emulate what the church stands for -- that has been such a heart-breaking experience, and I have, in turn, distanced myself from God and from that deep faith I once had. I distanced myself from Him at the time that I needed him the most. But, slowly and surely, the last couple of weeks have lit a fire in me for God and a hope for the future that I have been lacking. Thank God for small miracles; my small miracle is moving out into my new apartment.

Anyway, I think that's good for now. I'll try for more later.

Heart.
-Dania-