talk, talk is cheap...

... give me a word you can keep.

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Well... the Suns lost. Let's be honest, I'm not THAT into them, I just got into them these last 2 games, but I really was counting on them winning, or at least, on them actually PUTTING UP A FIGHT and oh, idk... SHOWING UP TO THE GAME? but... they didn't, and the Lakers won the western conference at game 6... in Phoenix. UGH. I can't even imagine how upset my friends are right now, lol. But, I did have a lot of fun at Iggy's with my friends, and I appreciated how people showed up even though they weren't into the Suns. And, I was pretty proud of myself for being such a loud fan 'cause most of the people there were rooting for the Lakers. BOO.

Ok... so... Just re-read my last post, and realized how depressing that was. lol. I was really depressed and upset when I wrote that. Now, I've been back in Utah for almost 2 weeks, and I can't say that I'm completely different, I still have moments and wonder if I should really be here, but I have decided to be positive and try and enjoy my time here. I don't want to look back on these years and realize that I spent them all complaining instead of attempting to enjoy what God has placed in my path.

However, I need to vent about a couple of things:

I still worry about friends here. I'm getting closer to the people in my cohort, which I like, but I'm realizing that I have limited friendships outside of that. And I don't like that at all. I don't want to rely on my one friend outside of my cohort for everything. In fact, I want to take this summer to meet people and develop friendships of my own, outside of my program, and outside of my living situation. I think that as both of these situations continue to change and evolve, having friends that have nothing to do with either is in my best interest.

What else? I still feel hurt, I will say that. I've decided that maybe my definition of true friendship doesn't always match others' and that I will be left feeling disappointed and let-down more often than not. But what do I do about it? I guess I need to determine if the friendship is worth fighting for. Right now I feel pretty numb about it. I feel like I'm going through the motions instead of actually being present. I can't say I've tried to keep up with what's going on, I don't really want to keep tabs on you anymore. I'd rather pretend that nothing is going on, even though I know in my heart of hearts that it still is. I keep asking myself, when are you going to get over it? And the truth is, I don't know. I wish there was nothing to get over in the first place. But since there is, I try to reason in my mind, and I try to pray about it, but let's be honest, I'm not sure I have enough energy to care about trying.

So, I've established that even if I lived in PHX, there would still be problems. I know this. My family is there, and sometimes my parents drive me absolutely nuts. I have amazing friends there, but all friendships go through ups and downs, all friends fight. However, when I was in PHX, I really needed to talk through everything that had happened in the days before I left Utah. Talking to both of my chenchers about it, really made me realize how f-ed up it all was. I know that I am a dramatic person, and I usually talk things out with a friend or with my mom before really deciding to be upset about something, because I know that I usually blow things out of proportion. However, talking to L & L about it, and realizing that: No, I hadn't blown it out of proportion, it really was a crappy situation, really pissed me off. In fact, even thinking about it now, pisses me off. Because, here's the thing: I'm not sure I believe the excuses anymore. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'm the most gullible person ever and can be convinced into believing things that clearly can't be true. Clearly, whether unconscious or not, you have a desire to hurt me. And what's worse, sometimes, I really have a desire to hurt you. I'm scared that one of these days I'll act on it.

I know that in many ways, I'm not being fair to you. I know I need to change my thinking. I know I need to give you the benefit of the doubt. I know I need to believe in you. I know and I see that you're trying. I need to try harder.

Let's see... I'm trying to be suuuuuuuper nice to that person in my cohort I always talk about having a difficult time with. It's been an up-hill battle for me with him. I feel like I'm really sensitive to the things he says in jest, and I take them seriously. In return, he gets upset and ignores me, and it turns into this mini-fight; then the process repeats itself. BUT, I will say that I am trying really really freaking hard not to get upset. And so far, so good. I just want to go back to a normal friendship and not stress about any of the underlying tones anymore. Who cares, really? He's not a good friend to me, and I'd rather just establish a superficial friendship that gets us by.

I'm done venting. On a more positive note, for the first time since I've been here, I have more days of appreciating Utah than days of not. I have moments of perfect clarity, when I think: God, even though I don't fully understand why I'm here, I know that there's a reason, and in this moment, I'm ok with that. Lately, Utah has been showing me how beautiful and serene it can be. You can't beat the scenery here. Even in Flagstaff, what I think is one of the most beautiful parts of AZ, it can't compare to the mountains in SLC. God's hand in creation is truly evident to me here. And I'm realizing that I'm talking to God more these days, having a daily conversation with him, which is a welcomed change. I missed these conversations. I need to talk to You and I need to learn patience and stillness so that I can hear Your answers.

Also, I love the new apartment. Coming home makes me happy, where before at Newman it stressed me out. I love going in my room, shutting my door, and watching a movie as I'm falling asleep. I love that I have my own space. Thank God for small miracles.

As always, I ask for prayer. I need to snap out of this numbness and care more about certain situations. I need to learn humility. I need to learn forgiveness. I need to move on and let you live your life in whatever way you think is right. It's not up to me. I need to let go. I need to realize I'm not in control. I need grace. Pray for these things for me, please. I'm human, I'm not perfect, and I'm trying.

Lastly, I will leave a quote that my favorite priest, Father Pat (from Flagstaff) said almost 4 years ago, in one of the first masses I attended at NAU: Mercy is love when it is most needed and least deserved. Not only do I need to have mercy on people, BUT, and this is a big but, I need mercy myself, from God and from other people.

Heart.
-Dania-

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'cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on my way, and I'm feelin' feelin' feelin' this way...