in the name of love

Lots and lots has been going on lately. I feel a freedom that I haven't felt in a while.

L (aka chench) has helped me to see some things clearly in my life. She told me the other day that I am one of the only people she knows who constantly wants to do the right thing; that in almost every situation, I'm the one trying to think of what the right thing to do is -- the Godly, Christ-like thing -- and that almost every time I do it. That's quite a reputation to live up to, especially since I feel like I fail in that department constantly. The "right thing" isn't always the easy thing, and doesn't always satisfy your pride. In fact, doing the right thing generally means putting aside your pride for the greater good. And that can be one of the hardest things that human beings are called to do.
In reference to the situation described in my last two entries, I finally came to a conclusion earlier this week. The right thing, is to forgive. The right thing, is to choose a friendship no matter how much easier it'd be to walk away. The right thing is to stick to your word. If you say you're going to try -- then try. Don't half-ass it. Don't lie about it. Just do it. Easier than it sounds, I know. But if the right thing was always easy, we'd have world peace, and people would be skipping through the streets holding hands and singing songs. haha. The vision of that is pretty funny, actually. But, not the point.
I don't want to walk away from something and from someone because that person made one mistake. How selfish would I be to do that? I claim to try and live my life as God has called me to do, but if I don't actually emulate the characteristics and strengths that Christ embodied, how can I truly give myself over to Him? Every Time I Breathe by Big Daddy Weave says, "... by Your grace I want to love You not with what I say, but every day in the way that my life is lived..." I don't want to be a follower of Christ in words alone. I want to be follower through actions, for actions do indeed speak louder than words.

I've been having a lot of discussions with my friend L lately, some deep, meaningful conversations about where we see our lives going, and what, in the end, are the most important things to us. It's weird, we've both been feeling this intense pressure to get married. It's like, we graduated from college, and all of a sudden everyone and their mother is engaged, getting married, and having kids. What the heck happened? Weren't we supposed to be the generation that waited a little longer to tie the knot? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only single person here in UT, and I certainly feel that I'm behind in the relationship department. I feel anxious to find "the one" and sometimes feel like a failure for being single.
It's weird. I am a pretty successful woman, I have a Bachelor's degree, I'm currently pursuing a Master's degree, with the intention of eventually getting a Ph.D. I am kind, smart, a good daughter, sister and friend, and I seek the Lord in my life, and yet, when it comes down to it, I measure my success by my relationship status. Why is that? Why is education valued more in relation to men rather than women? Is it all in my head, or is a woman's worth ultimately determined by her relationship status? I'm not sure if this is just L's & my perspective, or if there's actually any value to it, but it feels like education is valued (in women) to a certain point, but that if a woman focuses so much on her education that she ends up alone, she focused on the wrong thing. Is this true?

I know that everything comes in its own time, and that I am still really young, and have plenty of time to get married and have kids, but it doesn't feel that way. I turn 23 this year, and 23 has come in the blink of an eye. It feels like yesterday that I was 17 and starting college at NAU, and yet here I am, completely finished with my first year of grad school, and I feel like I'm running out of time. If 23 came fast, I can only imagine how quickly 30 is going to get here, and that scares me. Time is going by so quickly, I feel like I barely have time to process the things that are happening to me.

Ugh. L and I were also discussing our future husbands the other day, and about what it means to "settle" and to "reach." Our friend I said that men never settle, they always reach, because they're not willing to settle for anything less than their ideal. I also said that women are more prone to settling because we are more forgiving and more willing to overlook faults. Is this true? Do all women settle? I don't want to settle, and neither does L. Nobody does. But are the acts of "settling" and "reaching" really things that we choose, or are they ingrained in us -- like a reflex or an instinct?

There are certain things I will never settle on: 1. I need my FH(future husband) to love God first and foremost, above all else. And I need my FH to actively seek the Lord, and to have a relationship with Him. 2. I need my FH to value education, and to have the understanding that making sacrifices at such a young age set the stage for the rest of our lives. 3. I need my FH to want a family, and for him to have the desire to provide for our family.
Are these things too much to ask for? No. But couple them with the rest of my checklist: Cuban, Catholic, conservative, funny, kind, light-hearted, down to earth, tall, etc. And maybe it is too much to ask for. Maybe this person doesn't exist. When do the things on the checklist become things we're willing to overlook in the name of love?

Anyway, I have a ton more to write about, but I'll save it for another day. I need to do homework now, but if you're reading this, I'd love to know your thoughts on all the questions running through my mind. God bless.

Heart.
-D-