the grass is always greener...

I'm in Arizona again, I've been here for about a week, and I really don't want to go back to Utah at all.

It's strange, for the longest time I wanted to get out of AZ, I was desperate for the next adventure, for the next chapter in my life, and that's what I saw UT as; UT was supposed to be my biggest adventure so far. But, it's just been my biggest disappointment. I don't know if I've really even given it a chance, or if I've just been going through the motions, either way, I can't see my way out of the situation I'm in. UGH... I just wish my life weren't so confusing. I wish there were easy, clear answers to all of the questions running through my mind. I wish there were people I could count on and rely on for support; that would make the experience so much easier. But instead, I feel like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, like I need to keep my guard up, 'cause if I let it slip, even a little, people use it against me, and end up hurting me. It's exhausting.

I was talking to my friend last night about what I've been going through and she said something that really made me think. Basically, she said that every place you live in has it's own drama, that no place is perfect. And even if life in Arizona might be a little easier, I'd still be dealing with some of the same issues.

She was right. Arizona isn't perfect, and my friends here aren't perfect either.
Relationships in general aren't perfect -- they're messy. No matter what the relationship, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, co-worker, or friend, it's all messy.
Especially friendships. You place your trust in people giving them the power to use it against you, all the while hoping they're decent and good enough people not to abuse your trust. Sometimes, you luck out and find those really good people who don't hurt you, and treat you well, and genuinely want to see you succeed and be happy. Sometimes, people burn you and turn out to be crappy friends.

I've seen a lot of both of these kinds of friends in my life. And recently, I've called into question a lot of the friendships that I've been relying on, only to be disappointed by some. What do you do when you lose trust in someone and can't see how you can make your way back to trusting them again? When do you throw in the towel and say enough is enough? How do you decide if a friendship is worth salvaging, if you can put aside your hurt enough to move forward? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, unfortunately. But, I feel like I owe it to myself to find out. If I really want my friendships to succeed -- messy or not -- I've got to put in as much effort as it takes. And if they don't succeed, at least I know that I tried -- I would be able to say that I gave it my all...

I don't know. I really tired of putting in a lot of effort when I don't feel like it's returned. I don't know if I'm really at a place to care anymore. I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel. I want to quit. I'm just so tired, and I'm so upset, and I'm so hurt, and I don't know if I can risk trusting people anymore. For what? To be treated like crap? No thanks.

I just wish things had worked out differently.

I really need to pray about all of these questions. I can't stand alone, I need good people I can surround myself with, I need to truly give this all to God, and take it one day at a time. If Jesus could forgive us all for crucifying him, shouldn't I be able to put my pride aside and forgive someone for hurting me?

Yes... the answer to that question is yes. I'm not perfect and I might not be able to forgive right away, but I will eventually. Building back trust might be more difficult, but again, something that can be done. Pray for me, please. I have a lot of thinking/praying/growing up/forgiving/understanding to do.

Heart.
-Dania-

"Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? 'Cause I could really use a wish right now..."