crisis of faith

"I wish I had what I needed to be on my own... 'cause I feel so defeated, and I'm feeling alone. And it all seems so helpless, and I have no plan... I'm a plane on the sunset with nowhere to land."

I am having a crisis of faith. It's not just because of events that transpired tonight (which are too long and... unimportant to mention), but tonight was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back.

I feel like a fool. Like a failure. Like nothing I do is ever good enough.
And most of all I feel absolutely, unequivocally defeated.
Just... down in the dirt, trampled on, forgotten, and worst of all... broken.

I feel, in my heart, that God isn't holding up his part of the bargain. And this makes me incredibly sad. In my heart, so, so sad. Is there a stronger word than that? Because I don't feel like sad is really cutting it right now.
miserable. heart-broken. Those work...

It's funny how it all comes back to whether or not I am with someone.
It always comes back to this one thing.
And not having this one thing makes me feel like I am that person that everyone looks at and feels bad for.
I am the person who is always single.
The nice girl. The friend. The one who's always there. Who does the right thing. Who is reliable, and trustworthy, and still single.
I'm not the girl that guys make-out with. I'm not the girl that guys take home.

And part of that, most of that, is on me. I choose not to be that girl, because I want something more.
But....... does anyone else?
Am I alone in holding out hope for the real thing? Not the fast thing. Not the easy thing.
That thing that all girls dream of... that love that is so strong and pure and true, that it becomes obvious to everyone else that soul mates exist, because clearly these two people were made for each other.
Am I crazy for wanting this thing?

And when do we realize that maybe we're not meant to get it?

A couple of years ago, I stood on a beach in Florida, corny, I know. And God spoke to me. Not like Joan of Arc, but I felt God's presence and I felt this overwhelming sense of peace... and God told me not to stress about my husband, because he was on his way.
That was 3 years ago.
I'm starting to think my husband was hit by a bus, or run over by a train.

When is it going to be my time?
I always do the right thing. I'm getting my Ph.D. and will have it before I'm 27. I'm waiting for marriage because I have always known in my heart that God wanted me to do that. I am kind, and caring. I pray for people. I go out of my way for people. And I am watching my life pass me by.

I don't even know what I'm writing about anymore...

Except to say, that I don't know what to do about this hole and this emptiness in my heart.
I don't know where to go from here...

Dania

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Song: Let That Be Enough by Switchfoot